May 26 2008, Monday. Review Classes for the October 2008 Mechanical Engineering Board Exams has started. I am now physically and mentally prepared for this. Last summer, during my review classes for the April 2008 board exams. I was hit pretty hard by an emotional sickness called "Hikikomoria". This type of sickness causes one to hide in his room, and not engage in any productive activity. My situation back then is quite good as compared to others who are suffering from the same sickness. I can still go out of the house. I can still even go to the malls. I can still take a whole day outside of the houses. Which makes me think, am I really a Hikikomori? If Vampires can walk in broad daylight, why can't hikikomoris go outside? All I know is my self-esteem is at its lowest during that time.
The turmoil begins
It all started hazy. I can't remember when my peerless self-esteem started plunging. I was good at school. In fact, I was top 5 in the Batch 2008 MEs of our school. Can't really remember when it started. Maybe before graduation in February, after the long Christmas break. In between during those times. A day full of mishaps. Near accidents, which are not my fault. Colliding with someone in the streets. My body is out of shape. Too many near accidents, too many collisions, too many inconsiderate people. I started to hate people. I felt as though everyone is watching me. Their eyes, I hate their eyes. It seemed as though they are always making fun of me, laughing behind my back.
I tried to fight it. As I have said, I can still go to different places. But that is mainly because I was forced to. I have a paid review class to attend to everyday. I needed to go out of the house everyday so that my parents wont notice what is happening to me. You can just imagine how I felt, having to go out of the house everyday, when I really don't want to. I stopped attending the review, mainly because I can't stand being there, they all seemed to hate me. And so I wasn't able to take the April Board Exams, I just made excuses so that my parents will allow me not to take it. That made them really angry. Money wasted. But I felt happy.
I know what I should do with my life. My parents' endless litany of scolding, telling me about life, about the future, and all those crap, just flew by, I just did not pay attention because I know what I should do, no need to tell me the obvious, I thought. And so, after a few weeks the scolding subsided, and everything is back to normal between me and my parents.
Fighting the enemy within
While the battle between me and my parents have stopped. The battle within me is not yet over. This is a non-conventional war, so I have to fight it with non-conventional ways. I pushed my self-esteem to its limits. I went to many job interviews to practice mingling with strangers. I talked and talked with the other applicants. I wasn't able to land a job, but I managed to bring back my lost pride. I bought a pair of Proteus dumbells weighing 7.5 kgs each. Now my body is toned and physically fit, I am now bigger, stronger, and more energetic. I bought food supplements and vitamins. My appetite also doubled. Now I feel very powerful and the energy is welling up in me. The power I feel now is overflowing within me. To keep me pumped up, I keep logs of my everyday progress in this blog, my Scale Heaven and Earth Project. The laughing faces are now gone, now I can say that I have defeated the enemy within. I am now attending the review classes for the Oct. 2008 Board exams. If ever one of my classmates, or any person for that matter, crosses my path, I will bring him down with one shot in the face.
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